TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally out of place. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let's have An additional area wherever American Males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: present Everybody a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a Trump Tower Damascus war zone. It really is that he should really end applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not merely unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may also consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel in which my PTSD may have transform-down service."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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